Motherhood isn't something that you float through unscathed.
I didn't really realize this honest truth until about 6 moths ago. I'm not trying to say the previous 3.5 years were a walk in the park but they didn't compare or prepare us for what we've been seeing as parents from Connor in the last 6 months. And before you think I'm going to start throwing verbal assaults at CJ, I'm not. I love my son more than life itself, painfully so, but sometimes, I have to dig a bit deeper to find ways to like him. Some days the like is easy to find, it's right there in front of my eyes, no need for digging, others take a bit more effort in locating. #honestmomFTW
Connor is chatty, full of energy, needs, thoughts, opinions and more personality in his 3 foot 4 inch body than I ever thought possible. Unless he is sleeping he is making noise. He wants to be right with me, touching, talking, being the curious child he is supposed to be. Spending all day, every day with him physically, emotionally and mentality exhausts me. If I were to tell you what an entire day with Connor is, I'd have to describe it as the never-ending witching hour. Doesn't that sound warm and fuzzy, Mommas?
I have to admit I hate feeling this way. I find myself drifting off to bed telling myself I'll be a better parent tomorrow. I'll lose my cool less, hug a little more and make sure that his needs are meet quickly without me asking him to "give me a sec, Con". I'll be the mother I always thought I'd be: the perfect one, the one Connor rightfully deserves.
I don't know how to work through this struggle other than to pray myself through this season and to the next phase of parenthood. A year from now I may look back on this experience and laugh. Heck, I may cry, both tears of joy and tears of sorrow for my little boy will no longer be a 4 year old. You really never know. But when I'm feeling more stressed than usual, when I'm all out of patience and I find myself struggling to see the bright side of our day, I know it's time for me to retreat a bit and spend time in God's word once C is tucked in bed. To pray over my household, my son, my relationship with my husband and only child. To step back and see the glory and good within every minute of that witching hour.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness". So now I am glad to boast about weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
2 Timothy 4:17
But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength.
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and never give up.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
But the Lord is with a like a mighty warrior; so my persecutors will stumble and not prevail.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer.
Do you see the handful of commonly used words within the 10 verses listed above?
STRENGTH | GRACE | PRAY | COURAGEOUS | MIGHTY | WORK | PATIENT
Looking at these words together, I am reminded that I can do this. we can do hard things Mommas. I can parent Connor with my whole heart, the way he deserves, the way I deserve. After all this is my only shot at motherhood. I need to find the strength to fill our days full of grace, to pray during our hardest times, to be courageous when Connor is pushing boundaries to stand my ground, to know that Christ's mighty powers are working through both Connor and I though each day, in the most patience of ways... in baby steps. Connor might be itching closer to 4.5 with each day but in the game of life, we are still using baby steps to figure out life, together.